by Christopher Ryan

A sizable portion of “people of a certain age” no longer go out on New Year’s Eve. They get together with a few friends, or stay home with their significant other, maybe watching the grandkids. That makes them a perfect potential audience for televised News Year’s Eve entertainment.

And that poses a problem.

By and large, most of us aren’t fans of the majority of current performers on New Year’s Eve specials. For us, there is little enticement to tune in, especially at that hour. As a result, we do not watch.

I respectfully submit that broadcasters are leaving mounds of money on the table by overlooking us. We grew up watching television, and if enticed with interesting content, there is a ratings bonanza to be enjoyed.

It is a simple idea: create programing for mature viewers featuring older acts. This is a ratings gold mine! Therefore, I propose that following programming pitch.

Dick Clark’s Rockin’ EveFest and Early Bird Special!

With technology today, programmers can easily manipulate existing footage to bring back our generation’s favorite New Year’s Eve host -in his prime! A CGI Dick Clark can easily host the whole event, and we’ll love it.

The broadcast day can start early, with tribute bands. There are tons of them around so they’ll work cheap. Stations, imagine how affordable it would be to broadcast performance videos from cover bands on the circuit. Geezers would love sampling Almost Queen, Kashmir, and Midget Kiss!

But wait, there’s more!

Stations can also host the “Where Are My Keys” battle of the tribute bands, allowing viewers to vote for new favorites in a “Break The Hip” competition between age appropriate groups like Jethro Toes, Genopause, Fleetwood Metamucil, and Grey Sabbath.

The sponsors alone can make any struggling station flush for the year. Ad time can go to companies selling:

Who Gets My Albums Living Wills

Remember the Lyrics Memory Improvement Pills

No More Crooked Peace Signs Arthritis Cream

Roto-Rooter’s Colonoscopy Prep Kits

Menopause Away Marijuana Gummies

Classic Rockers Elder Care Facilities

and, of course, the Our Time dating app.

Next up, ReunionFest, featuring:

Motown: Whoever’s Left, including performances by

Gladys Knight and the Pip

The Temptation

The One Top

and, Smokey Robinson is a Miracle.

Finally, a three-hour New Year’s Eve countdown starting at 6 pm (with an adjusted clock), bringing back (via the latest tech) classic line-ups at their peak. Viewers will thrill to:

Creedence Without the Drama

Yes (from back when they still said Yes).

Led Zeppelin – Going Full Bonham One Last Time

And Classic Pink Floyd (with a guest appearance by pre-breakdown Syd).

Finally, topping the show, the long-demanded reunion of The Beatles. (Pre-show update: while hologram George is politely agreeable to this, hologram John is threatening a bed-in for CGI Peace if actual Yoko isn’t included).

The legendary Iggy Pop can ride the New Year’s Eve ball down to bring in the new year. Fire will roar from each side of the stage (warming the chilly older audience), then the ball “explodes” into lights that creates a giant “2023!” which then reforms into five hologram legends: David Bowie, Keith Moon, James Jamerson, Sly Stone, and Jimi Hendrix, who perform a medley of their hits called “The Fame of My Generation is Dancing in The Streets and Taking Us Higher because We Are Experienced”.

Best of all, the entire audience gets to bed by 9:30.