On Writing: Selfpublishing Roadmap a Must for Serious Indy Authors

Posted on July 27, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

Writers! The world is ours!

Well, almost.

Honestly, there has never been a better time to consider independently publishing your book, be it fiction or non-fiction. Digital book sales increase every quarter. Ebook outlets expand and improve continuously. Perhaps most importantly, the taint of self-publishing as vanity press is evaporating like a powerless ghost from the past.

In fact, only two barriers remain between an author and success: doing the hard work that is required to create a work of quality and integrity, and the knowledge of what to do next. While there is no shortcut through the first one, there is a very clear and valuable roadmap to make the second extremely achievable. A self-publishing Roadmap, in fact.

Joel Friedlander, who hosts http://www.thebookdesigner.com, has created a soup-to-nuts online course appropriately entitled The Self-publisher’s Roadmap. This course offers six weeks of video instruction that is well-organized into relevant units absolutely full of support materials including articles, PDFs, links, resources, lists of contacts, interviews with key professionals, and questionnaires to guide a writer’s decision making.

It is rare that I endorse a product this freely, but I was lost as to how I would get a novel I very much believe in to potential readers, and Friedlander’s course clarified so many steps and decisions and elaborated on so many opportunities that the least I can do is share the wealth.

Go, check out http://www.selfpublishingroadmap.com, find out what’s offered, and then invest in yourself.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

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Penn State Sanctions Create A Great Day for America

Posted on July 23, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

When we stop and think about it for a while, today’s NCAA sanctions against Penn State mark a great day for America. The NCAA’s stunning and comprehensive sanctions are well thought out, multi-faceted, and deliberately severe; they truly have an impact on college sports, college life, national social and moral codes of behavior, and reflect what we so often say we believe in but fall short of putting into practice.

A sports radio personality argued immediately after the announcement that most of the sanctions “do nothing for the victims.” Not true at all. These sanctions will have an immediate and lasting national impact on all sports programs (not just football), on every level (from peewee to, potentially, professional) because no program will tolerate a pedophile because the downside is officially too severe. Think about the number of victimizations that will be prevented because anyone with even the whiff of pedophile will be run out of sports, throughout our country. That is astounding, visionary, and heroic.

Lastly, Penn State, by immediately accepting these sanctions, has gone from villain to potential hero by being mature, pro-active, and responsible about this. The school has a very real opportunity here to become leaders in the maturing of America because they did what we so rarely do in this country; once the truth hit, they assessed their shortcomings and took decisive action to correct their deficiencies. In a time when we as a nation are quick to dodge responsibilities, greedily insulate from blame, and scapegoat others in politics, business, sports, marriage, religion, and in so many other areas of our culture, here we have adults maturely accepting devastating penalties and corrective actions to “take a significant step forward.” That is immensely helpful, to the victims (these actions confirm that what was done to them was, in fact, wrong), potential future victims (saving others from suffering like these victims did), and to all of us as a nation that is too often in denial (role modeling how to act responsibly).

Bravo on all levels.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe. For more information, click here.

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Pop Culture – The Dark Night Rises: is it Action Movie or Social Treatise?

Posted on July 21, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

The Dark Knight has Risen! Blessed be the reborn hero!

In so many ways, and taking great pains to not commit the Sin of Spoiling, The Dark Knight Rises is about redemption and sacrifice and rebirth. It is about offering up everything one has for his/her beliefs, and living outward not inward.

But it is not a religious film; it is political. Christopher Nolan has used his considerable skills to create the ultimate hybrid; the thoughtful blockbuster, the super-hero societal essay, the reflective popcorn movie. Amid the breathtaking set pieces, the thrilling weapons and Batcycles and Batplanes, the exceptional fight sequences, is Nolan calling for social revolution? Is this gifted director suggesting we can no longer support the authority, that they’ve grown too corrupt and greedy to exist? It is possible to view the film in this way.

And if we do, what does Christian Bale’s performance represent? Yes, his story arc follows the classic Heroe’s Journey structure. We see him physically broken and rebuilt, spiritually renewed, and even emotionally released, but as what? Super-hero or social liberator? Rescuer or revolutionary?

If the classic American hero faces the villains alone at high noon in the center of town, and if the modern equivalent is the dark avenger of the night, then The Dark Knight Rises presents us with a new paradigm to consider: hero as Savior and Unifier of American Society.

And that is something worth considering between handfuls of popcorn…

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

 

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On Writing: Is There an Author/Reader Pact?

Posted on July 18, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

Do authors owe readers anything at all? And does that debt grow the further into a story readers get?

I ask because I believe there is a grave difference between surprising or challenging a reader for entertainment and betraying that reader’s trust.

An author asks for a reader’s attention, yes? And that same author earns readers’ attention by making certain promises; to entertain, to thrill, to intellectually challenge; to provoke thought, emotions, moral reflection; to scare, etc. Once the reader accepts the author’s offer, a pact is created: an author will provide a certain kind of entertainment aimed at eliciting certain responses, and in return, readers will continue to read.

What happens when an author violates that pact?

After considerable time trying to shake THE WALKING DEAD issue #100, I am amazed at how thoroughly betrayed I feel. Not entertained. Not thrilled, spooked, scared, horrified, or any other sensation. I believe the comic book’s creative team was disloyal to its readers, and may have damaged THE WALKING DEAD experience significantly, perhaps irreparably.

I understand that one of the rules of this book’s world is “no one is safe.” I have lived with that, even when continuing was difficult (the Governor’s serial raping of Michonne was nearly impossible to get beyond; I actually stopped reading for more than a year, until a friend wore me down saying the book “got better”). I also understand that another of the rules of this series is “this group of people is worth watching.” If this group was not worthy of our attention, was not somehow more worthy of following than any other group, then the book would have been a non-linear series of stories moving from group to group, and would not have made it to issue #100.

The reason a book is successful comes down to character. Character is story and story is character. Everything of value in storytelling must emerge from character. Plot comes from character. Suspense, horror, humor, love, all of it comes from character. And the agreement between author and reader is “these characters are worthwhile, they have something to say to you.”

The Walking Dead team entered into this pact with readers, especially in regards to characters they kept in front of readers for almost 100 issues. Why would an author ask readers to invest in a character for almost 100 issues if that character had nothing to say? That is why we keep reading because we have been promised these characters “have something to say.”

In issue #100, the WD team seemed to suddenly, violently, declare, “No, they do not.”

From very early on in the series, the WD team wrote and drew and inked and lettered the character Glenn in such a way as to evoke a sympathetic response in readers. Glenn meant something to the creators; it is clear from how they allowed him to exist. Glenn was the hope left in that world. And in issue #100, the WD team utterly decimated that hope. He was violated with such lack of respect, such cheap thrills, such utter dismissal of his value as to alter how this world is perceived by readers from this point forward.

And it is easy to understand that the WD team meant to change the way we perceive this world. And they succeeded. But here’s the problem; the change violated the pact. We were promised these people were worth watching, that they were different than the rest of this world of victims, and therein was the promise of hope.

Now, unfortunately, there’s no more hope, no more reason to “watch this group” above any other. There will never again be that sliver of hope that some semblance of worthwhile existence can be achieved, and if there is no hope that life is worth living, where is the entertainment value?

We read horror for catharsis, release. Now those elements have been removed. That was not the pact. The agreement was these characters were special, were worth watching. It seems the WD team betrayed our faith in these characters as worthwhile, in this book as worthy of our time, in their storytelling abilities as worth experiencing. They undermined the character’s collective heroic journey, and obliterated trust that these people are worth following.

Sadly, I am not sure I can go any further with THE WALKING DEAD, in either comics or television. After Glenn, what’s the point?

I’d love to see the opinion of others. Hopefully, there is someone out there who can restore my faith in what had been an exceptional experience. What do you say? Is there an author/reader pact?

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

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The Dilemma of Underage Drinking

Posted on July 13, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

“Summer’s here and the time is right for dancing in the street,” –Martha and the Vandellas, Detroit, 1960’s.

“Summer’s here and the time is right for racing in the streets,” –Bruce Springsteen, back streets of Jersey, 1970’s.

“Summer’s here and the time is right for–hey, where the hell are the kids in this town?” — Me, suburbia, 2012.

My sons are 16, which was prime socialization time when I was a kid, so I expected them to be out the whole summer. And a number of elements have come together for them: a few friends have their license; they have the confidence of kids who feel like their own their neighborhood (no sarcasm there; back in the day I was sure I owned The Bronx, even though I weighed about 80 pounds soaking wet and looked like an Afro on a Tootsie Pop stick), and their social circle is growing to include a variety of groups (baseball, a group from an eastern European Holocaust tour, the XBox brigade, etc.). Add to that parents who encouraged them to hold whatever social gatherings they wanted, and it seemed they would be owning this summer.

Not so much.

A couple of guys have come over to watch sports, play XBox, and/or chow down. There have been car trips to the batting cages, a Yankee game, restaurants (most of them fast food), or snack runs. Some girls have stopped by, or collected them to go hang out, but … None of the big crowds have arrived at our house, and very few teens have been seen in town generally. What gives?

To complicate matters, the driver friends have curbed their cars after getting tickets for having more than four people in the vehicle, so activity has slowed to a crawl. Finally, I confronted my guys, pushing them to tell me why they weren’t just hosting a party to crank things up this summer. We offered the house, the deck, food, soda, music…

The fellas did NOT want to answer, but I’m Bronx Irish, and we put Rottweilers to shame when we clamp down on something. Finally, one guy shook his head, “Dad, that’s not what people think when they hear ‘party’.”

Duh on me. How could I have been so dumb? “You’re saying drinking?”

“I’m not naming anybody–”

Damn right I wanted names, and phone numbers, fingerprints, blood tests, holding pens — but no, I’m not having that conversation, I tell myself, I’m trying to understand what my sons are up against. “I’m not asking that. Just give me an idea–”

“Ninety percent.” He didn’t even hesitate, didn’t even let me finish the question. He just laid me out with a sawed off shotgun of cold truth.

I’m shocked to find I’ve sheltered myself, and so has my wife. We remained willfully ignorant of the scope of the situation. And that’s disingenuous because we both drank at 16, often. Here’s the major difference we have been clinging to: when we were 16, the drinking age was 18. Now, of course, it is three years later. But that doesn’t help. If what my son suggests is anywhere near true, they are the odd men out because they listened to their parents.

The “Just Say No” party line does not address the more subtly painful issues. I don’t want my kids ostracized, but I can’t seeing myself condoning underage drinking, no matter what I did as a kid. But the clock’s ticking on this minefield, and no matter what decision is made, somebody’s going to blow up.

They will be seniors next year, and in college after that, and will have to negotiate alcohol-infused social circles. Being inexperienced could potentially make them socially awkward at that point; allowing alcohol now could force them into situations they are not ready for and hurt their reputations. This a tough place for both kids and parents to be, period.

As much as it sucks, I have to be the Dad here and hold the line. The down side of underage drinking is too steep; too many in this country allow themselves to be programmed to believe alcohol (at least) needs to be central to their social lives. The media bludgeons us with this crass, profit over people message on all fronts, and that misleads the masses into thoroughly believing alcohol and partying is consistently a good idea. But alcohol never lead me to write my novel, or pick up an instrument, or tell a joke, or make a good decision. Alcohol did not get me to call the woman who became my wife, or help me land a job, or buy a house. Alcohol never put food on my table. Is alcohol a part of my life? Yes, I like a stout every once in awhile, and can enjoy a good bourbon. But the key phrase is “a part” not “the central part”. I’ve known too many people who made alcohol (and more) central to their lives, or let it insinuate itself into importance in their lives; way too many of them are dead or at dead ends.

I don’t want my sons to fall into that trap. They will eventually go to those parties, without our permission, and might even drink, without our permission, as is an unfortunate right of passage in this culture. I only hope they wait until they are ready and make their decisions based on their consciously developed moral backbone, rather than to fit in, or be popular, or to impress a date.

My wife and I have spent a good chunk of our lives helping our guys evolve into good men who can think on their own. Their relatively quiet summer has spoken volumes about their willingness to pay the price to be their own men. Bravo.

“You are what you do most often.” –Aristotle, Greece, way back before there was a drinking age.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

 

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On Writing: Recapturing the Tone and Energy of an Older Piece

Posted on July 11, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

“Writers write.”

“Writers should write every day.”

“When you finish one project, start another.”

These are pearls of wisdom writers hear or read all the time. And, such as they are, they make sense. But what does a writer do when life gets in the way? What happens when a piece gets interrupted, for example, while the writer is launching some other project? This slams a writer into a problem area: losing the thread or feel or energy of a piece. Common wisdom suggests it is difficult for a writer to recapture that story’s energy once s/he moves away from it, especially if the first draft is not complete.

I offer a suggestion to help writers reunite with their story.

When I finished the final rewrites of my debut novel, City of Woe, I begged my wife to do one more reread to catch any lingering problems. While the goddess of my life was doing that, I kept writing by starting a new, very different project, a YA novel, Perfect. I had a detailed outline (I believe in outlines as a writer’s safety net), and launched into the first draft, immersing myself in the significantly different tone of the work and the voices of the two main characters. Eighty-eight pages in, things were cooking, I was making steady progress, all was good in my little writing world.

Then City of Woe was ready for launch, and, as a novice independent publisher, most of my time was taken with the process of production, the steep learning curve, and correcting my many mistakes (all of which will be the subject of future bogs). The brakes were thrown on Perfect and progress ground to a wrenching halt. This is a major no-no, according to the Writing Powers That Be; we must complete a first draft, we must write, write until a work is completed, never get out of that moving vehicle of a project, never wander away from our friends (the story and characters) while in the haunted house, or psycho killer-infested woods, etc.

I agree with all of the above, and caution that finishing a first draft is key to living in a perfect world. But life isn’t perfect. Sometimes, quit happens.

When I finally got back to Perfect, months had passed, and I found myself outside the tone and feel of the book, looking in. The old warnings about lost energy and difficulty rediscovering tone loomed. Would I be able to pick up the thread, the feel, the energy of the piece and continue?

Here’s how I approached the problem: I resolved not to write, not to do very much at all. I was just there for a visit, just going to stop by and see how everybody’s doing. And I did. I sat at my desk, opened to page one, and began to read. That’s all. I just read, not writing at all. And i read Out Loud. This helped me focus on reading, let me hear the tone of the piece, allowed me to listen to the voice of the characters. How couldIi write when I was doing all that?

It didn’t last.

The needs of the narrative (a rephrase here, an added description there) insinuated themselves by page three, and by four pages in, I was completely into the story again, locked in with the narrative voice, and moving forward.

I was back inside the project.

Trust yourself, your writing, and your characters, and you will recapture your project’s energy.

Now, get to work.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

 

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How Much Sleep is Bad Parenting?

Posted on July 10, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

Somehow, I’m in a band. Haven’t played bass in over 20 years, but here it is. All originals. Amusing lyrics. Loose rock’n’roll, though that term sounds so dated. And yesterday we recorded seven songs in two hours, 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. We recorded fast, loose, and fun. We came back to my place to burn copies and listen to the play back; rock stars indulging in depraved combo drinks of lemonade iced teas.

And our playback woke up one of my sons. At 1:45 p.m. That’s right, 1:45 in the afternoon, and this guy was still sleeping. The “rock stars for the day” found it hilarious that this 16-year-old out rock starred us from the get go. He had slept through a good chunk of the day, enough of it for a collection of adults ranging in age from 27 to 50 to record seven songs for dubious posterity, and arguably would have kept sleeping if it hadn’t been for us blasting our three chord party favors. The band were thoroughly amused at my son’s expense.

And amidst the band teasing my son’s lifestyle, I found myself wrestling with whether I had failed as a father. My mother had been one of those parents who believed it a mortal sin to sleep past 9 a.m. My wife’s parents believed the same, like most of that generation. We both rebelled against that, not wanting to be “those parents” … But 1:45? Really? Have we let it go too far?

We decided to let the kids sleep until they woke up years ago, but is it possible to abuse that privilege? Seeing my son mocked by momentary rock stars drove home the point that sometimes too much is just too damn much.

Doctors and scientists say teens need more sleep. Okay, great. But when the teen isn’t even trying to sleep until 1 a.m. or later, is that really getting more sleep? And yes, the X-Box generation hangs out together via headphones and virtual video game rooms, but what is happening in those rooms at 1 a.m. that is so vital to positive personal growth? Does staying up that late really provide such vital street cred? And what does it say about a teen’s self-perception if that is how he defines himself?

An argument can be made that parents should be helping to build each of their children into solid citizens. I do not believe in the 9 a.m. wake ups and bed making and hospital corners required by my parents, but neither do I support a decadent lifestyle. My sons are good people; they don’t drink, don’t smoke or do drugs, they help around the house when coerced, and are generally respectful individuals. They are solid citizens. So when do these vampire hours become an issue?

To his credit, my son read the situation and reacted, asking my wife to make sure he doesn’t sleep that late any more. Whether or not he should be relying on Mom for this as he enters senior year of high school is another issue, but for now, I’ll take any step in the right direction as progress. His progress.

But how about mine as a parent?

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

 

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NY Times film critics vs. the super-heroes!

Posted on July 3, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

New York Times film critics Manohla Dargis and A. O. Scott tag-teamed summer super-hero movies as the lead story in the paper’s July 1st Sunday Arts and Leisure section, ripping into the genre with accusations of corporate manipulation, sexism, and racism that just do not apply, especially in the hands of gifted artists like Joss Whedon, director of Marvel’s The Avengers.

Okay, clearly the film companies want to maximize profit; no news here. But this goal is not the sole domain of super-hero movies, so why the fuss? The critics seem to suggest that Marvel’s The Avengers is suspect because it is so wildly successful and that its success is attributable mainly to an extensive promotion campaign. These critics seems to suggest that the audience for this film lurched into theaters like the walking dead, lobotomized by trailers and ad campaigns, unable to think for themselves. They seem to ignore the possibility that we actually raced to the multiplex because we’ve been aware of these characters for approximately 50 years. Many of us grew up liking these characters, wanting to see them portrayed successfully onscreen. The simple truth is we want to see such films succeed because we love the characters, and each purchased ticket cheers them on.

Why do we love these characters? What is the appeal of  The Avengers? Older fans who read the comics fulfilled lifelong desires to see their favorite comic book characters together onscreen. Younger fans did too, but perhaps as much from cartoons as from comics. And the critics do have a point, these movies are marketed relentlessly, especially by Marvel, which essentially built towards The Avengers with movies featuring the Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America. However, we cheered this build, we didn’t succumb to it. We loved the use of Marvel’s old comic marketing trick of teasing the next issue with something in the one we were reading, and we thrilled to their intermingling of characters from one film to the next. One of the great things about reading Marvel comics as a kid was the cross references, the call backs, the “insider” knowledge faithful readers enjoyed from issue to issue. Now Marvel is daring to do that in their films, and audiences love it so much Marvel has us staying through the credits. When was the last movie audiences did that for? We didn’t even do it for The Lord of The Rings. Now audiences wait … and cheer! The teaser at the end of Iron Man II when Thor’s hammer is revealed, received huge applause. The mid-credit reveal at the end of The Avengers  introducing the galactic terrorist Thanos inspired audible gasps, then wild cheers. Why? Not because we have been brainwashed by marketing, but because we know these characters, understand the relevance of the reveals, and want to experience their stories. We are inside the world, invested in the characters, pre-marketed for decades before the first trailer was aired.

The critics also recycle the venerable complaints about sexism and racism, and they seem to miss the mark on both. Suggesting that Scarlet Johanson’s main super-power is her shapely rump, generously displayed in the film, is to miss both the Black Widow’s feminist power and Johanson’s insightful performance. The Black Widow is so beyond feminism in these films she all but makes that point moot. Throughout her appearances, this character trades on sexist cliches to position herself to do her job as one of the world’s most effective espionage weapons. Whether posing as an executive secretary in Iron Man II or as a defenseless victim being interrogated in The Avengers, or as a seductive emissary approaching The Hulk’s alter-ego, or as seemingly falling victim to Loki’s assumed mental superiority in the same movie, she is a chameleon who allows men’s own sexism to lead them into her web. And then the real Widow emerges, capable, powerful, resourceful, confidently turning the tables on each male, owning the moment again and again. That’s pure Joss Whedon, one of our better champions of female empowerment. And let’s discuss her super powers in The Avengers. She and Hawkeye are the only non-enhanced characters, and they stand shoulder to shoulder with the most powerful beings around. Johanson’s performance particularly shows her character’s courage, bravery, and absolute ability to hang with the super-powered beings. Feminist? She’s post-feminist.

As a post-feminist character, Natasha Romanov/the Black Widow is never treated as anything less than a key member of the team. She is shown tiring (along with Captain  America, Iron Man, and even Thor, which puts her in damn impressive company), she is a key grounding element of the film. Each of these moments brings us closer to experiencing the story; they let us in just a little further, especially Cap and Widow. We might not be able to afford Stark’s armor, or be a god, but we want to be pure of heart like Cap, or determined and able like Widow.

Natasha Romanov is also not alone in her capacity to handle a deadly situation in the Marvel universe; it is the extremely capable Pepper Potts who takes command of the chaos during the climax of Iron Man II while the boys blast away like, well, cliche boys. Does she look good doing it? Yes, but that’s not her main role. Also in The Avengers, we see Maria Hill, second in command of the SHIELD helicarrier, as a smart leader and lethal combatant. Does she look good doing these things? Again, yep, but that is never the main focus. All these women leave the damsel in distress image for lesser mortals; they’ve got work to do. Lastly, yes, we do see a few views of shapely feminine butts, but no more that we see beefcake on display. Male bodies ripple throughout the Marvel film universe. I would suggest the critics sit down for a repeat viewing of these films and see how often the men are displayed as sex objects. How about a certain shirtless Asgardian openly discussed in lusty terms by Kat Dennings in Thor? Or Agent Carter copping a feel off the (again) shirtless Steve Rogers, the newly minted Super Soldier, in Captain America, the First Avenger? Viewed in context, Marvel does seem admirably post-feminist.

Finally, a word about racism in the Marvel films. Actually two words, and an initial: Samuel L. Jackson. Throughout the Marvel films, Jackson has portrayed Nick Fury, commander of SHIELD, clearly the most powerful military agency on the planet. On. The. Planet. And Marvel didn’t cast Jackson because the character was African-American. Nick Fury was white in the comics until characters were recast with an eye (pardon the pun) toward attracting Hollywood with the Ultimates line of Marvel comics. And when that recasting was happening, the Marvel elite were looking to align characters with A-list stars who could play them. Jackson fit Fury perfectly, not due to race, or race-based marketing, but because as an actor (not a minority actor, or an African-American actor, an actor) he carried the weight and attitude Nick Fury needed. That is post-racial thinking. Best actor for the role, period. And the argument can’t even be made that he is limited to a reduced role; Fury is one of the elements that links the films together. He’s omnipresent, a force of immense resources, insight, knowledge, and understanding. He is the ultimate player here, and is not saddled with an apologist white hat. Quite the contrary, Nick Fury is one of the most morally complex characters in the Marvel universe, and Marvel asked Jackson to perform that complicated role because his abilities as an actor gave them the best chance to present Nick Fury in all his complex glory. That is beautifully post-racial.

Sadly, it seems the critics brought their own agendas and pre-existing prejudices to the discussion. They are better than this, and hopefully will be able to rise above their self-imposed limitations regarding this genre of films in the future. The audience has clearly already made up their minds regarding these issues, and certainly seem ready to do it again this week with The Amazing Spider-Man and shortly after with The Dark Knight Rises. Let’s hope the quality continues.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

 

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Joe Paterno from a distance

Posted on January 22, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

Joe Paterno died today. The official cause is cancer, but even from the significant distance of someone who never set foot on the Penn State campus, never played college football, high school football, or anything but street ball (pretty badly, too, I have to admit), it seems likely that a broken heart might have been at least a symptom.

And I would have respectfully kept my mouth shut, except a part of the population is cursing the man even in death. Yes, I know about Sandusky, and the victimized children, and my heart goes out to those victims deeply. And it is impossible to separate the heinous crimes from the death of an iconic coach. And those horrors do cast an ominous shadow across Paterno’s career. I understand that and accept it as right and true.

But I heard something else that forces me to withhold judgment, something I believe worth sharing. I hope I am allowed to do so.

Today, one of Paterno’s legions of former players was on WFAN eulogizing the man (I wish I had caught the man’s name, my apologies). He spoke of Paterno remaining at Penn State for 61 years, from the 1950’s, despite many offers. About him staying on that campus, protected in its seclusion. About how even the furniture in his home looked like it came from the 1950’s. And then he discussed a quirk of Paterno’s, reporting a naïveté, an innocence about things outside of football. He said this was something Paterno retained throughout the years, as if he was disconnected to anything besides football.

This is not absurd to believe. As a teacher and former journalist, I’ve observed sports programs and the fanatical focus it breeds. That does not absolve anyone from anything, does not wash away the tears, does not forgive the sins. It merely suggests Joe Paterno may not have been engineering a cover up; he may have been what so many of us are, a limited man distracted by his passions.

I am in no way suggesting anyone should anoint anyone a saint. I am merely saying this interview made me think, and may be worth considering in wake of this man’s death.

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Humbling Humiliation: The Path to Parental Wisdom

Posted on January 22, 2012 by chrisryanwrites

A work friend recently posted a Facebook freak out regarding parenting. She claimed to have no parental instincts, zero parenting skills. Of course, her friends and family swooped in with support, compliments, and encouragement, but very few seemed to address her issue. She was upset because she wasn’t measuring up to whatever concept she had of perfect parenting, seemed humiliated by her performance in real life, and stunned by how much she didn’t know.

To me, that is parenting. The constant reviewing of “am I doing enough” and “will my child be okay” and “why didn’t I know that or notice this, or see this other thing coming” are what I think of as the true signs of a parent.

If we are honest, we have all seen other forms of parenting. The parenting as a resume builder (“I do all this and I am a parent too”). That is ego, not parenting. Or the status symbol parent who has a need for the child to hit growth and development milestones early and often. That’s competition, not parenting. Or dressing the kid up in the latest fashions. That’s Barbie Dolling, not parenting. Or the independent who does the opposite of what his/ her parents did. That’s revenge, not parenting. And all of that is about the adult, not the child.

Parenting to me is shooting straight up in bed at 2 a.m. Sure something is wrong, and sneaking into the child’s room six months or 16 years old, just to be absolutely sure s/he is breathing and everything is all right.

Parenting to me is reviewing the conversation held with your child because of a nagging feeling that you should have said more.

Parenting to me isn’t the cutest outfits, it’s washing the sick off the outfit he was wearing when that hotdog disagreed with him, or rushing home to get the grass stains out of the baseball pants because he’s got another game tomorrow, or sweeping glitter off the dining room floor for a week, or listening to the “logical explanation of why there is suddenly a hole in the wall without screaming, and then countering the kid’s fragile story with an action plan that is firm and fair.

And doing it all over again the next day.

And the next.

Parenting is never knowing what’s coming with the next sunrise, being repeatedly challenged to deal with the difficult, the absurd, the heartbreaking and the hilarious, and always knowing, in your heart of hearts, that you aren’t really prepared for any of it.

So when my friend fretted about parental failure, to me, that was her great victory. Yes, parenting can be glorious and humiliating, exhilarating and exhausting, hopeful and humbling. The secret is noticing. Caring enough to question ourselves is the only true path to parenting wisdom, and the best way for us to grow.

I only know this because I wasn’t a great parent. I was loud and demanding and angry. It took me years of effort and a very strong wife to improve. I still struggle to get better every day. And I am okay with that. What bothers me is the parents who skate along ignoring the work they clearly need to do, and the damage that does to their kids. So when I see my friend voicing what boils down to a desire to be a better parent, I don’t feel the need to swoop in with reassuring words, or pats on the back. What I really want to do is stand, clap, and call out, “Bravo.”

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

 

 

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