The marriage arena is a dangerous subject to write about, I know. Big risk of ticking someone off no matter what I do. Lean too much toward the husbands, the wives will charge gender bias; too much toward the wives, the guys will call me soft.

So today, I have a little for everybody. Color me a naive romantic, but in my experience, most couples are doing okay. Is every relationship perfect? That’s an insane expectation derived from night time soaps and drunken, bitterly alone friends. No one has the perfect relationship. So let’s dial it back a little, to somewhere closer to reality.

Here’s how to tell if your spouse loves you.

Guys, you know your wife loves you if:

1) You wake up in the morning, period.

(Men are so annoying in general, it is amazing we are not slaughtered in our sleep as a rule. So, if you wake up tomorrow, and you’re not dead, score!)

2) You have ever made it through any sporting event, at all, post-nuptials.

(Yes, there are other important things going on in the world, including her mother, but if it is tie score in the bottom of the ninth, and she just lets you be, remain in quiet awe for days.)

3) You don’t have to answer plot questions during the 47th viewing of Die Hard.

(Guys, if she knows who John McClane is, and gets him, love her forever.)

4) If you have NEVER been asked to hold her pocketbook.

(Retention of manhood is important. If she recognizes that, it should inspire you to worship her.)

And that’s it. Men, what more do we really want? Seriously.

Ladies, you know your husband loves you if:

1) He’s still there in the morning, period.

(Men flee. Sure, we are supposedly brave at all times, but at a certain point — when the T Rex shows up in Jurassic Park, when the apes go hunting on their planet, when the British pursues Washington throughout most of the northeast colonies, when your mother moves in — that even the most brave and loyal of us will turn tail. So if you wake up in the morning and he’s still there, score! … Kind of.)

2) He sits through even one chick flick.

(Look, even Superman can’t spend the evening wearing Kryptonite. Everyone has their limitations. If he overcomes his for even one night, hold onto that man!)

3) He acts sort of like an adult when you get him to go shopping with you.

(This should be attempted carefully, based entirely upon how much he whines and cries and feigns a ruptured spleen the first time you ask him. But if he does go with you, and acts at least 16 years old, he deserves your love.)

4) If you have NEVER been asked to have sex somewhere stupid.

(Wait, all of us have already screwed this up, haven’t we? Damn, women ALWAYS get the short end of the stick! And any men who think that was a stinging pun, well if the stump fits….)

4, second attempt) If your man ever tries to make the bed, vacuum, or do the shopping to surprise you.

(Yes, the bed will look terrible, the vacuuming will be half-done, the shopping will be mostly pretzels, beer, cereal, and steak, but any attempt to help shows promise. Just think, after years of tutoring and patience, you might only have to redo half of it.)

Moral of the Blog:

So, if your spouse has achieved any of these, relax in the knowledge that you are loved, and as imperfect as s/he may be, the essence of that spouse is sincere and worth keeping around.

I truly hope this has reduced each gender’s urge to commit domestic murder around the globe.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.