A Guy’s Menopause Survival Guide

I love my wife. That needs to be said first, if we are going to do any good here today at all.

I love my wife and she is going through menopause. As a result, I am learning a lot. And I’m here to tell every guy out there what he needs to know to survive, er, assist, um, be there for his beloved during this challenging time.

The following isn’t for all men. Lots of them run, flee, “work late,” paint the ceiling, fix unbroken pipes, fall asleep while watching the game, or use other lame strategies to avoid dealing with life with the wife.

Those men are cowards.

I’m talking to the brave souls who hang in there, engage, share the experience, try to help.

You know, the dreamers.

Those men need to know a few things. Here we go:

1) Your wife will experience hot flashes. That’s when she feels like she’s bursting into flame, roasting from inside out. Think Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, without the calm or snappy one liners.

You need to understand that you cannot help here. You cannot predict, schedule, expect, plan for, or narrow down when these happen. You cannot even fathom what the experience is like. If men experienced even one hot flash, we’d be running around in our tightie whities, screaming like Will Ferrell in Talledega Nights.

But she will plan accordingly, so prepare to be cold. It might be Christmas Eve, girlfriend will have the air conditioner on full blast. Bring extra clothes. Especially at bedtime. She will be in her lightest sleepwear, tossing off the covers, turning up the AC. You will be wearing a hoodie, sweats, gloves, and three pairs of socks. Deal with it. Most of us do not lose the nose to frost bite.

And whatever you do, avoid sleeping elsewhere. She will interpret this as abandonment, the end of your marriage, adultery, or worse, she’ll get used to it, and you will never get back in that bed. Ever.

2) She will experience memory loss. Get used to repeating things.

And never, ever make the mistake of trying to exploit this. The love of your life might forget to pick up milk, where she parked, or where her house keys are, she may spend time looking for the glasses on her head, or the coffee mug in her hand, but she WILL NOT forget where you are, who you are allegedly with, what you should be doing, or when you are supposed to be home.

Cross that line at your own risk, brother.

3) She will be emotional at times; all of them will be unpredictable.

How do you handle it? Remember seeing that movie that time when the soldier finds he’s wandered into the middle of a minefield? Handle it like he did. But one more thing. Remember his buddy, the one who got cocky and blew his own legs off genitalia and all? You’ve been warned.

4) She will gain weight.

Do not, under any circumstance, acknowledge this. Ever. Here’s the way out:

“Does this dress make me look fat?”

“I think it looks good on you, but will look better around your ankles.”

You’re welcome.

My work here is done, gentlemen. Ignore my advice at your peril. Good luck to you all.

Christopher Ryan is author of City of Woe, available on Kindle and Nook, and in print. For more info, click here.

About chrisryanwrites

My name is Christopher Ryan. I am a former award-winning journalist turned high school teacher, and I have written since reading S.E. Hinton's THE OUTSIDERS when I was in elementary school. I have independently published an award-winning debut novel, CITY OF WOE, plus the prequel short story collection CITY OF SIN, the sequel novel CITY OF PAIN, a high school thriller novel GENIUS HIGH, and several high adventure novelettes for the Rapid Reads series featuring Alex Simmons' African-American adventurer BLACKJACK All are available via amazon.com, as is my children's book, THE FERGUSON FILES - THE MYSTERY SPOT. Additionally, I was nominated for a supporting actor award for my work in the multiple award-winning independent film, CLANDESTINE, from Feenix Films. I blog about writing, life, pop culture, the journey of learning to promote my independently published work, my efforts to secure a traditional publishing contract, and my career as a teacher.
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